THE TIRED WHORE

 

CHAPTER I 

 

INTRODUCTION AND ERIKSON

I'm not that happy, successful or adventurous, and I don't have as many friends as it appears on my Facebook page; it's quite the opposite really. The illusion of my life has emulated itself through how I want to appear to others, as well as to myself, for a reason I'm not sure I understand.

When did I begin living a life of illusion and struggle, without recognizing who I am or who I am becoming? When did I get this way, and why can't I remember the person I was before I created this persona? I thought that by now I should have had a strong foundation of who I was.

I'm in my early thirties, and I'm still working a shitty job. I am vain like in my teenage years, I still don't have a meaningful romantic relationship, and I am struggling financially. Yet, I'm in my sixth stage of life, according to Erikson. But when I look at my life, I'm not sure that I've even passed my first stage of developed trust. By the protocols of normal human being development, I should be in love and cooperating with the demands it requires. But instead, I'm practicing isolation, which indicates that I'm not evolved enough for the stage I should be in. I'm behind, and wonder if I'll ever get there.

I often wonder If I'm avoiding intimacy or if fear it? Or have I been reactivated, redone and completed to the point of insanity? Did I mistrust the world and the people in it? Was I still trying to attain other things I have been told to attain, before I could be intimate with someone? Or was I simply rationalizing my losses and late development? What would Erikson say? Would he say I was a foolish human being who did not choose wisely? That I was playing a game of chess without the knowledge of the game, and had no idea what my next move should be? Was I weak, and afraid of rejection, thus settling for less? Was I selfish, or simply a jackass? Or was it all someone else's fault?

Was I traumatized by hundreds of relationships and dates that seemed to go nowhere? I can't say I did not try. My last relationship was serious, or at least I thought so. I later found out that the one person I spent time with was a pathological liar, delusional, paranoid, and definitely psychotic. And this was not the first time I had been deceived over and over again to the point of isolation and avoidance, even though I was craving intimacy. Was I isolated by choice, or by the fact that the stages before this one have not prepared me for intimacy and choosing the right man? Or was it the fact that I've gone through so much that isolation appeared to be the right choice for me? Were my parents to blame? I wonder if they got the memo from Erikson. Did they not give me enough attention when I was just beginning to form my personality? Maybe they forgot to feed me—give me comfort and security—resulting in mistrust of the world and an inability to successfully go on to the next stage of autonomy, and then later on to a proper identity-formation. Is this why so many people in their twenties and thirties and even forties are “searching” to find who they are?

I remember that one guy that I met, who after few months of dating me, realizes that he likes the idea of me, but not me, and is now breaking up with me “gently," explaining how he was a loser and was still trying to find out who he was, and that a person like me—which he dressed up with even more bullshit, about how "amazing and wonderful" I was—did not deserve him, which was a bit overkill, I must say. “A person like me” still echoes in my head.

Of course, he is not the first guy who said that, or something similar. Is everyone suddenly looking for enlightenment, or is this just another fancy word for a fear of commitment? Or did he feel that he could do better than me and that the grass really is greener on the other side? This enlightenment everyone is talking about is manifesting itself in a very strange fashion—veganism, polygamism Buddhism, hyper senstativism, and all other isms—while we continue with the same old patterns of behavior that don't really justify or reflect our new found enlightenment. We are “enlightened” but without doing anything enlightening. Does this make any sense? Is this an identity crisis? Evolution? Current trend? Of course, as always, I’m perplexed by these philosophical questions, and can’t hide the fact that I’m definitely not evolving if it is evolution. Is it an existential dilemma or too much free time to bullshit and bring yourself to unknown territory, only to drive your confused self even more confused?

Erikson attempted to explain people in their stages of life, but did he underestimate the modern man, who simply sucks and continues to make the same mistakes over and over again in order to mix things up and continue with the same behavioral pattern, despite the failures and proof of modern psychology identifying him with a possible personality disorder? Is the modern man completely okay in this case of isolation? Maybe his choice of isolation is not really a choice, but a pre-determined circumstance, due to his unsuccessful completion of previous stages, that now seem like a choice, as their patterns of lifestyle have transformed them in what they “wished” to be.

Whatever the choice is and for whatever reason, the question is, is the modern man in terms with it? Or is his defense mechanism of rationalization that good, that a man is able to fool himself over and over again? Or does the modern man lack time to analyze himself, his choices, talents and other abilities he may have? Does the modern man have enough information to make any rational decisions that concern him, or due to his lack of time, has he been subliminally manipulated through clever Television, internet and other means in order to make decisions, while believing that they are his? Who is responsible for the modern man? Is it the parents? The media? War? Capitalism?......... And does he have sense of himself at all, I wonder

 

CHAPTER II 

 

THE RANT, LITERALLY!

Each morning I get up at 6:00 a.m., to an obnoxious sound of the alarm, hoping I could sleep just an extra minute, which leads into 15 minutes or more. Half asleep I make myself coffee and breakfast, I eat original oatmeal with milk and half a banana, it makes me go to the bathroom right in the morning, and that is a good feeling. I enjoy both my breakfast and coffee while I'm watching TV. If you don't know, the morning program on TV is filled with advertising commercials that help you see the “best” of yourself. You are ugly, fat, your breath stinks, you stink, your hair is not straight enough, long enough, or curly enough, your hips are wrong, that ass is crazy looking, your skin sucks, and what the hell is wrong with your nose, and I'm not even going to talk about the bikini zone, you beaver, so buy this to make your life what it isn't. The premise is, is that if you do buy these things; you will “automatically” be a better version of yourself. Buying instant magical bullets alone will automatically get you the body you want without putting much effort into it, glowing skin without any change to your poisonous diet and constant drinking and smoking that probably makes your skin crappy, long hair without much patience and so on. So of course I bought the exercising DVD's and equipment, the cream for my skin and the shampoo they use for horses, apparently that makes your hair grow faster. Few months later I still have something that looks like a beer gut and that ass fat that I had few months ago, as well as, shitty skin and that shampoo did not work wonders for my hair in the two month it promised it would. I mean c'mon, we all know you have to put in the work to get results, and per Socrates “patience is a virtue”. But no, I've been told that one that is not motivated needs motivation, and all of A sudden a DVD is exactly that. The sellers also understand that those that are disciplined, are probably not watching the TV, but are in the gym working out, so they focus on us unmotivated delusional people, seeking to magically transform ourselves, by sitting on our ass all day and getting appealing body. You see my point, and that goes for everything else, not just that. Anyways, back to my morning TV watching routine, after 30 minutes or so of hard core superficial critics, with my newly enhanced “self” worth, I go to the bathroom to wash my teeth and while I brush my teeth, I stare at the person in front of me, and think to myself: fuck, maybe I should invest in that ass workout and that cream, I mean look at me I look like bloody hell. After some time of looking at myself and giving myself a pap talk I put my hair up and as fast as I can, get the hell out of the house. Paying too much attention to details is not recommended. I did that few times, I was very inexperienced with the feelings I was having, I started to analyze myself in the mirror, and found millions of things wrong with me. Since then I've learned not to do that, what I don't see, does not exist, at least that is my motto, I've became so accustomed with and frankly comfortable with. Besides I like denial, denial is great and you get to work on time. Denial is my other defense mechanism that I had to create in order to escape the pimple on my forehead, and the small boobs in the room full of big boobs, while every man is drooling. Denial also for a moment alleviates the pain of your own struggles and imperfections, but of course denial alone does not always help me, so I avoid mirrors, as well as, really bright rooms that make you even more shitty looking. I'm not sure when our society became so obsessive about physical appearance. I'm sure that it began when someone thought of importance of making everyone feel beautiful, as well as, an individual with their own sense of fashion and other crap, which then just turned into realization of how ugly everyone is and others to judge your stupid sense of fashion. People are bleaching their teeth, gluing hair to their own hair in order to have longer looking hair, putting permanent make up and so on, all for the illusion of better looking self. 

The magazine in the grocery store, while you were waiting to buy your evil carbohydrates told you that it was sexy to bleach your teeth and glue your hair, and your desire to feel sexy and appealing tricked you into buying all this shit so that you can get noticed by some loser who does not even care. Every one of us is looking for that instant gratification we've learned from an early age in order to remedy what either pains or we do not like. I'm sure in other cultures this is considered pathological behavior, but in our, it is perfectly normal and healthy, in fact if your teeth are not glowing white color, you are disgusting, dirty person that probably rides in the loser zone at the airport, usually the last seated zone in the airplane, and you should be with those teeth. You are the lower cast of our society and people with white teeth should not be seated at the same time as you, you jackass. Don't get me wrong, improvements are good, and people should work on improving themselves, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. However, society we live in is really just concerned with the physical part and does not care much about the other parts. But, is there a limit to physical improvement and can it become sick? Are there protocols? Or have the marketing geniuses figured out a universal formula that will soon spill in other societies and make them as superficial and sick as we are, in order to make money by telling you that you are fat, ugly and stinky. Which automatically make you want to eat even more and when you are not hungry. After you hear how pathetic you are enough of times, you start thinking in terms that they are waiting for you to think, and now you have been conditioned and you have become their slave, you will start with one thing and then another, another and another, until you are addicted to their illusion of perfection and you are orange with fluorescent teeth, scaring children in the park. Fuck. People, this is not normal.

In a world where you are never skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough or anything enough. You also don't have enough things. As I stood in front of my closet full of clothes, bags, and shoes I could not understand how I had nothing to wear. I find myself standing in front of a closet intensely each day thinking what the fuck am I'm going to wear, like there is nothing in there, like it is empty. I'm constantly buying things that I already have and filling every corner of my dinky apartment with things I don't need. As we change our boyfriends’, cell phones, TV's and other things all of the time, it comes down that we are slaves for things without ever having any time to enjoy those things, as we are too busy either buying them or working in order to be able to buy them. We are so obsessed with getting the next best thing even those of us who do not have the means to get them. As our economy continues to crumble, we continue to buy things. Putting these things on credit card, like we are never going to have to pay for it, getting ourselves in a more debt, that requires us to work more at an already 60 hour week. Why? We are conditioned to buy as we live in a consumerist society, we became accustomed to that lifestyle and now we have to slow down, but we are unable to. None of us, especially my generation, my generation has not learned how to save and since we seek instant gratification it is difficult to accept no for an answer even when you can't really afford the thing everyone seems to have. However, we can always rationalize the reasons we need something we don't need in order to get it. Our appetite is never satisfied. We have learned to have everything. We want the biggest TV, best I-pad I-phone and so on. You see a celebrity on the commercial talking to their phone, and you want the same, but you are not that celebrity, you forget that you don't have the kinds of money they have, and that maybe you can't have what they have. We also love big spaces as well, even if we don't need them or don't use them. Our appliances have to be a certain size; our bedrooms have to be enormous, even though you just sleep in them, and would make sense if you can just fit in your bad. But, now we want lounge experience in our bedrooms, entertainment system, walking in closet and on suit. I mean common, it is getting a little crazy. Every person in the house now has to have their own bathrooms, god forbid you have to share, that would be fucking tragic. Everyone you talk to or see, they are talking about the new things they are buying, they bought or are planning to buy in few years. Are we that superficial? This is not normal, and unfortunately the children today are exposed to shit we thought was bad growing up, imagine what their expectations of life are going to be? Honestly, I'm a little afraid to think about it. Children today understand the world through possessions.

 

CHAPTER III

 

CAT IS MY NAME

Cat is my name I'm a modern Women I suppose, I was born in the 80's by a mistake, and I have a lot going against me, especially my physical appearance in the superficial modern world of fantasy. I'm of average height, intelligence, and look, blessed with frizzy hair, problematic skin and issues related to insecurities, thus maybe the explanation of why I have shitty relationships with bunch of losers. I look like a chubby fourteen year old boy about to hit puberty and looking slightly dysmorphic, body wise. Not very appealing or promising to succeed in the world I've become acquainted with, filled with big boobs, butts, legs, six pack abs and other “respected” body parts. This may be the reason I equipped myself with sarcasm my defense mechanism of choice, along with denial, rationalization, distortion, repression, idealization and other once, I use on regular basis in order to endure my average-ness, and to compensate for the other things I don't have.  Growing up in the world that is obsessed with perfection, I too became obsessed with my own imperfections. I mean even the Church is getting appealing and sexy with their own sexy rock bands, gold, provocative art and carefully tailored pastors and priests in their Armani suits and make up. In a world were one has to send a picture when applying for a job in order to be examined if they are hot enough for some assholes that are disgusted by being served by the average person and where everything, even the grass has to be perfect, it is hard to be anything less than, if you know what I mean. The pressure to be a certain way is ridiculous and has never been this enormous than it is now and an average man or a women like me is struggling within, and externally. It is a fucking zoo to say the least and I with all my average-ness have to endure with sanity with so much insanity. The truth is, is that most of the people are unable to escape this illusion posing as reality that is thrown in our face on a daily basis, along with crazy demands and expectations of who we should be, what we should look like, talk, fuck, play and so on. I struggle with reality and my delusional perception of what the norm is, as I'm a child that grew up influenced by TV, Internet, Magazines, Movies, and everything else that is not reality. I mean I have to compete with Spider-man’s girlfriend, models and the Kardeshians.

 How does one live up to that standard, I of course avoid asking this question of myself, even though I'm aware of it somewhere in the back of my mind.  I understand that I'm competing, but I'm not sure yet for what. To be loved, approved by strangers, attention, or standards I have imposed on myself? I think that if I was a better version of myself that I would be better off, I feel that it would be easier for me, I would be more confident, maybe I would be more ambitious and motivated to be something other than a waitress and a laughing joke at gatherings. That is why I was competing with the people on the TV and magazine. Shit I wanted someone to comment on how hot I was, I wanted to have that sexual attention I guess, I never had, part of me wanted to feel sexy, and sexy was all over my TV, outside of my apartment, in the school, at work, it was fucking everywhere, and I wanted to be appealing like the women on the TV, models on the cover magazines, actresses. It was desirable, alluring, seductive, and glamorous to me, it was unreal and a fantasy, but I was obsessed with it. Not just me, but my next door neighbor, girl in the grocery line, a man lifting weights and fighting his mid-life crisis, divorced women and men, teenagers, everyone was obsessed. When I look around I see people emulating the illusion they saw or heard the night before. Conversations were beginning with the conversations about what the real housewives of whatever city were talking about the night before, or what celebrity was dating or was marrying, people are heard gossiping about which celebrity cheated, what they wore, what looked good, what did not, everyone was interested about these people’s lives and talked about them as they knew them and wanted to be them. Dressing like them, talking like them, tweeting about them, I mean it is nuts, even the news had to tell us things about the breakup of the latest stars, even though there is plenty of tracing things going on the news should be reporting on. Everyone was obsessed, and an epidemic was reached. I was in the same boat as everyone else, obsessed, confused, and insane.

Even though I’m aware of all of this, I have completely lost the importance and true meaning of life, as I became a slave of someone else’s obsession over what I should be, making me more insecure and obsessed over what I’m not. I'm obsessing all day about stupid things, and it is becoming an almost cute neurotic personality, not cute...sick. I obsess over my hair, my weight, my ass, my face, ears, nose, breasts, and stomach and not in a good way. Suddenly I'm aware of every little detail that is completely unimportant.  When this began, I really don't know, but I know it did not happen overnight.  I'm sure hours of exposure to TV and the culture I've gotten to know had impacted me and conditioned me to start thinking of what I'm not, and what I should be and as days go by, that becomes the importance, how to fix this, that and the other, instead of focusing on yourself and what you are, and improving the things you are, instead of the illusion of what you should be. Now I have these thoughts in my head that will not go away, I actually believe the stuff I have been told, even though I know that stuff I have been told through repetitive messaging from the media is all lie, I’m unable to take it as a false reality.  

I did not know the answers to my questions, that I started asking myself. But I could not ignore my thoughts of my situation, which continued to trouble me. I was thinking that by now I should have had been in a serious relationship if not married with kids, settled with my financial situation, had a good career with coming promotions, as well as, being comfortable with myself and who I was, but I was not comfortable with myself, I did not have a relationship, or a good job, and I was not financially stable. I was a loser, and I knew that I was identified as one. 

Maybe it wasn't the reality TV that has left me without identity, importance, motivation, love… maybe it was the parents, who did not do their job, and now have left not only me but most of the people in my generation without a strong foundation to go forward in a “normal” flow of life, leaving us in despair and hopelessness, searching for anything to makes us feel better in most unconventional way and unfamiliar to us, but which at the same time “made” us feel “worthy”. We clearly wanted acceptance, all of us. As I look around I see sea of people my generation completely lost, unsure about anything in their life. Fed with so much illusion, no one knew what the reality was. We have equipped ourselves with so many defenses that nothing could touch us. We are always ready for the next thing, whatever form it comes in, from the new haircut, bag, religion, political affiliation and so on, we are constantly changing our beliefs, we were easily manipulated and I see that as purposeful. Puzzled by so many inconsistencies in the life we lead, it makes sense that we are unable to be consistent in any other aspect of our life, from relationships to jobs, because we are always searching for that instant em-betterment. Everything is instant from our food to our wishes and relief of our pain. It was clear to me, that perhaps it wasn't just me but all of us, were we all fucked up and doomed?

 

CHAPTER IV

 

 THE TIRED WHORE

I'm tired, I'm tired that every single day has become the same, Getting up, working, coming home to emptiness and waiting for that one day in a week to do something that is something you do every week anyways.  It does not help that I work a crappy job that does not pay well.  A waitress at the Country Club and it is not an easy position to hold.  Satisfying the administration, and most of all the clientele that is pretty much waiting for me to suck their cock as soon as I punch in. The tea is too hot, or cold, not warm enough to their liking, Sometimes I feel I should prepare it using a thermometer with the exact temperature they request.  As you know some people do consider themselves more important than others and in this situation they are important and I'm a cock sucker.  They have more needs than a newborn infant, and I mean that.  They are so concerned with their status and image and I don't even want to talk about the superiority complex these people have, which they have mistaken for rights to fuck over other people.  The egos these people have developed are beyond belief.  I feel that most of them are sadistic actually and love to exercise their repressed sexual needs in the form of it, I guess they think it is more acceptable. Part of me feels almost bad for them (I’m lying), I feel they lead such delusional life, constant need to prove something is exhausting, and maybe their constant frustration has turned them into unbearable pricks I have to deal with. If they could they would shit on you, and I'm not exacerbating.  They are almost never happy with anything, there is always something that has to be adjusted and fixed, like the whole world is going to end, if their napkin is not positioned in a right manner. I mean who the fuck do they think they are, who is this conceded? Anyways, this environment is strange to me, and I'm fed up with it. I get pains in my lower abdominal every day I clock in and start my shift of cock sucking. Along with their demands and cock sucking, I have to constantly smile, despite the fact that I'm on my feet all day constantly running to satisfy their never ending needs.  So on top of these people testing my every nerve, I have the general manager with his demands and stupid meetings, and then on top of that I have to tell people I “supervise” what to do, and I hate it.  However, as I mentioned above, I have allowed myself to get in debt and now I have to endure, as I'm struggling financially I have too many bills I can not pay, I'm stressed out over the situation I have put myself into, but I can not show the scars of my life, so I do what every person does. I fake that everything in my life is great and keep smiling like a clown. Being questioned of what is wrong is something I don't want to talk about, because no one really cares, people ask things because it is polite, not because they want to listen to you and help you. Back to the work, the boss keeps weekly meetings to inform us of how shitty of a job we are doing. I always feel like a child that just pooped in their pants and is now being shamed because they are of age to go potty. My boss turns into this fucking preacher, and starts using sporting events for team work as a metaphor. Than the shit starts, how lousy you have been doing, how your enthusiasm has not been observed, that you are not smiling enough, and that the clients are complaining because of this, you don't know everyone's name, you must learn everyone's name and call them by their proper and respected name and so on, all for a minimum wage Than he goes into pathetic speech of how the club is not doing well, even though I know that the club is doing fine and that they are making good money, while I work for pennies and should be the one complaining.  He than comes up with some crazy number of what is expected for that month in terms of profit. On top of increasing that profit, the club owners have decided to cut down on people to satisfy their greed, while you are now expected to work for three men. He also informs us that there will be 10% of pay cut on top of your already shitty pay, as well as, cut paid vacation from three weeks, which you have earned to two weeks, and if you don't like it you are welcome to resign. Now you are expected to work more and more with less and less motivation, while the club is dealing with tough times and the hardships. While completely ignoring the fact that the people in the room who have been loyal employees are also experiencing hardships and now their pay has just been cut and they are expected to work more for less. It is no wonder that we are stressed out, exhausted and for the most part unhappy. Half of us are depressed, angry and frankly unpleasant, but what are we to do? The unfortunate thing is that we do not do anything, we put our heads down and work more, because we have been scared to death by everyone, you mom, dad, TV, co-workers and so on, that there are no jobs, and we should now be thankful that we even have a job, all in order to satisfy the greed so that CEO's and others can get a big fat bonus, they don't deserve or need in the first place. This is discrimination against a working man and woman but no one cares. What kind of people are we? We are people that have no balls, are uninformed about anything, because we are kept busy and distracted in order to overlook anything that just might be abnormal. The point is there is not much going on, when I look at the big picture, except that I'm not living a life, I have no dignity and I don't respect myself anymore, and neither can other somewhat normal people, I would like to be associate with? My work makes me feel like a horse that is saddled and some yahoo with a borderline IQ is riding on me with a whip and if you can envision that, congratulations you have been royally fucked, because you my friend have been whipped by your job as well. Demands keep on piling and piling, while you are expected to ensure quality service with less and less people. How? Well the boss always tells me “Be creative, think outside of the box”, while he gives more things to do and less time to do it, and also tells me to do it with a smile on my face. The truth is, I have no more outside of box thinking, I have done everything humanly possible, and I no longer have ideas, except the ideas he does not want to hear, I guess I just need to get a whip and whip people to work for a minimum wage, what a fucking hell. The worst part about this whole situation is that I'm allowing myself to get saddled, so that I can go back and buy that crap to fix myself or just to buy crap I don’t need. Like that cream for the hair above my lip that promises that the hair is going to be gone tomorrow, only to find out that there is more of it, or even better that damn exercising equipment I decided to buy that I was going to use to lose that ass fat only to later rationalize that I have been working too hard and feel too tired to do anything, day after day. Than after few months of not using it I store it under my bed along with the other clever things I bought that would” magically” transform me. Not only did I buy that on my minimal budget, but then I bought the car I can't afford, that instant butt shaper, along with that super fancy coffee machine, only to later find out that, that butt shaper just creates more roles at the top, and now I have three muffin tops and nothing I bought looks like that model on the HSN, fuck. Oh and that fancy coffee machine was just that too fancy, and I could not afford the damn little coffee things that go in it, so that is in the corner of my kitchen collecting dust, while I'm using some cheap instant coffee I paid $1.25. So my hard work goes down the drain on things I wished worked, and gave up on them before they even arrived. But the worst part is that I continue to make the same mistake over and over again, because I rationalize and make myself believe that this time it will work, and each old thing that failed is replaced with the new thing that is going to “work”. On top of that I'm saving that butt shaper along with the coffee machine, pants and dress just in case I do decide to use that exercising equipment, get another job or whatever. Perpetuating that circle of wishful thinking and feeding my desires to have what I definitely don't need or don’t use, because doing any work is too hard, and I just want magic, I want to look at the treadmill and lose weight. What do you mean I have to use it? Fuck that….in the corner bahm another $2,000. Of course now I can't even quit my job, because now I have too many bills piling on and guess what, my boss knows it, and he will use that against me, they all do, they know you have nowhere else to go and that you are stuck, so they can make you work harder than you ever thought and you will, because you don’t have other choice. Oh and my parents found out that I’m in financial crisis, along with other crisis. I also know that my parents are just waiting for me to tell them that I need something, so that they can unload their frustrations on me, and tell me how hard they have worked in order to give me good education and everything else, and how I'm irresponsible, unable to make any decision, and also remind me of why I'm still not in a committed relationship, have no children and what a loser I'm. So naturally I avoid asking my parents, since they don't feel guilty anymore for my mistakes and lack of their attention in my early stages of life and because I made that mistake once before. Now I'm afraid to lose my job, so I work even more and now there are three more people riding me and whipping me as hard as they can, all thanks to my never satisfying appetite.

The thought of not having to deal with my asshole boss, being trapped in a job that I hate, or being afraid to quit, is freedom my friend.. Oh and the people at work, what the hell is wrong with them. Not having to have to see “Miss. I’m so in denial that I’m happy”, no matter what day it is, or time, this inappropriately happy person wants to know everything about how my previous day was, even though I always respond the same, and subtly hint that all of my days are the same, in hopes that I would not be asked the question of torture each day, and get reminded that I suck, but unfortunately, I’m just not that lucky, and she continues to ask the question in order to remind me how uneventful my life really is. Oh and “Miss. Perfect”, who puts me to shame each day and makes me feel like shit basically, Why? Well, she has  five kids and comes to work looking superb each day, while I have no kids and look like an asshole, and next to her I sort of look dead, drained, sick…..I’m sure back in the day I would have had been stoned looking like that next to a women looking like that. I make myself laugh because I’m filled with defenses and ready for offense I have of course already made a story about her and the reason I feel bad for this poor women, who I have rationalized I’m superior to, I’m sure it is my defensive mechanism of rationalization to make myself feel better about myself, how this women needs attention, as her husband is somewhere far away on the ship and is unable to give her what she wants or how he is about to bang his hot secretary that is 20 years her junior with perky breasts and moist pussy, so she looks for it elsewhere. Her good taste in appearance is a weapon that no man can deny, giving her undivided attention and at times more. The “Ass Kisser” who I would like to slap around few times, he makes my life living hell at work, and I truly have no patience for him and his stupid fake stab in the back smile. He lurks around and waits for you to make a mistake, so that he can go and tell on you, while he kisses everyone’s ass in administration. Oh and “Miss Congeniality” who will say anything to be liked....Those are just few, I can't ignore and the thought of not having to spend time with them, puts a smile on my face. I feel a little drool coming down my mouth, I think I’m excited.

 

CHAPTER V

 

 THE SCARY SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY 

 I don't make plans during the weekdays and on the weekends for the most part I'm tired, as I already discussed. But, I do manage to get out once a week to recharge, what can be recharged. I go out usually Friday or Saturday. I'm unable to go both days, as I have noticed that I'm aging and unable to recover in time for the working week and shitty meetings and crap that my boss is going to pull out of his ass. One day a week I get myself out of the cage for a night of seeing and doing the same thing I did last week and the week before that and so on, in hopes that something different will happen. I drag myself to the bar, at this point it is not even fun anymore, as I’m dragging myself.  I drink and get myself drunk to avoid all of my desperation’s and denials, making an attempt to feel better. It is always the same. It is always the same people trying their hardest to get noticed across the bar by someone as desperate as they are. Everyone is fighting for some kind of attention in order to get noticed. Everyone is so desperate that there is little left to imagination, I'm just waiting for people to go out naked, I've seen more skin than I wanted to. I guess people are starved to be noticed. We are always on the lookout for something that we have been influenced by and the illusion of what we want. The truth is I don't know what I want. I do stare at the good looking man at the bar that everyone drools over, as I think that is what I want, and is aesthetically pleasing to look at, but inside there is no substance, but my superficiality and my age has overlooked that element. He has been blessed with good genes, he appears effortless, even though I know that he has put a lot of thinking into looking like that. He does not notice me, those kind of man never do. They notice the girls that I want to be, but have not been able to attain, despite all of the gadget and money wasted on it. I always just imagined and wondered what it would be like to be with someone like that. I know that I give them more credit than they deserve.  I forgive their stupidity, ignorance and pretty much everything, I would never forgive myself. They carry a special trait, I guess. Somewhere in this night of cheap pick-up lines, I swallow my whiskey, my pride and shame and in the morning wake up to my goddamn reality. Not a man I carefully observed, but some third person I would never imagine myself with but after so many shots he appeared to be an OK version of the man I imagined the night before. As I sit there in my “shame” I can’t ignore the fact that I feel dirty and disgusted. I wonder if I'm a whore or just part of the norm of every women in her late 20’s or 30's 40’s and even 50’s. So, I go to the bathroom to take a shower in hopes to wash away the dirt and shame from the night before, in hopes to forget my previous relationship that I just tried to out drink with another man.

 When things start to fall apart, they really fall apart. You know how that goes, one thing happens and then domino effect occurs. I  broke up with my boyfriend and now I'm feeling depressed, lonely and I'm constantly reminding myself what a piece of shit I'm, not because we broke up, just one of those days. One of those days you are in bad eating chocolate and watching your waistline expand. To tell you the truth I’m not thinking about the reasons why my relationship with M did not work out. I never do, I don't even know if I'm sad about it, I just know that he is the one that decided to leave. We have been together for some time, but not that long that I feel he wasted my life. I'm thinking that we had a good run, and while it lasted it was fun. We did not communicate much, but then again who has time to communicate, both of us have been busy with our own lives and dealing with our own problems quietly. I'm sure that repression of problems came out, and destroyed what we once called a great relationship. But if it was so great, how could I be sitting here with no evidence of sadness or grief? In our society we replace and move on fairly fast, we make hard decisions fast, and sometimes regret them later. Right now, today we both choose to part, not to fix what is wrong, but part. He is probably already looking for another girlfriend a better one. I will go to the store and buy myself shoes I can't afford and remedy the loneliness for a moment. I will call my girls up tell them what an asshole he is, they will confirm my feelings, and take me out of the house for a good time. We will have few drinks, and I will feel good about my decision, and will rationalize that he has been dragging me this whole time, and that he was a bore and a person not worthy of my “love”. While I'm at the bar there will be a cute and “interesting” guy I will meet and probably get into relationship with as fast as I can, so that I can completely forget my ex, rebound as fast as I can, and repeat after some time, the same perpetual stupidity. Is this the new way of doing relationships, never really getting close enough to a person, so that you would not have to deal with a broken heart afterward? You anticipate asshole, and treat him like it, until you have your self-fulfilling prophecy? I often think of that. I feel that I have become so protective of my emotions that it's like I almost prepare myself for the end of something that just began. I don't think that I'm the only one either. I feel that most of my friend’s relationships that end can usually be fixed with few shots of whiskey, or any other choice of alcohol. Or is that again one of those defenses that we have in order to protect what would be unbearable emotionally, or is it the fact that we never completely fall in love or commit to a relationship, so that we can bounce back relatively fast, and also move on to the next one, without wasting time. The truth is no one ever talks about what happened in the relationship and if there was hope for that relationship to be fixed, and suppose you try to “fix” it, you really don't, you just say that, and while you are “fixing” that relationship you are looking for some other choice. Is it that we are just not equipped with fixing what is broken? There were times when people fixed broken things, people fixed TV's, refrigerators, even repaired their shoes. Now you replace what is broken, why would I want to fix what already was broke? I was not taught how to fix things, or how to deal with rough times, I was thought that if something broke, you bought a new things, and if something is not going well you give it up and buy yourself something to fill in the void. Will there comes a point that at some point of your life, you realize that certain things are worth fixing and working on?

 I mean who wants to deal with the raw feelings of anything, especially right after the fact. The only problem is, is that I never deal with it, but jump into the next thing irrationally, rather or not that is shoes, or next relationship, or a city apartment I definitely cannot afford. I never wanted to learn how to deal with a problem; I'm faced with head on. I have become so clever in lying to myself about all the wrongs I do in order to escape, but without really escaping it. Not only am I controlled by external stimulus, but also by myself and my desire and greed to be what I'm not and what I cannot have. It is a never ending charade of stupid that perpetuates itself. In the world filled with so many choices, I'm unable to choose one or even few and stick with them. The thing is, when you have so many choices, and they are available to you, you are tempted to try each choice in hopes that one of them will fit your personality. Unfortunately there is no one fit, and to have something fit, sometimes you have to cut some corners, tweak some things and give a little. Unfortunately old habits die hard, and my childhood selfishness has unfortunately followed me into adulthood. Except now it is a whole another game. The rules have changed. No one gives me things just because, I don't receive a paycheck when I give up and don't show up to work, people leave me, when I'm not good enough or I don't compromise. They don't buy me a toy, special one with lights; they close their doors on me, and never return back. I'm left with myself and another choice that I already know will end up like the previous one.

Fuck it, let's talk about the relationships. It is a fact and any girl you ask about will tell you that it's scary out there with all the personality disordered man. I'm sure that the men feel the same way about us, as we do about them. Basically, it is a fucking zoo and we are all doomed right from the start. The girls are vigilant of man, the man feel that we are bunch of crazy emotionally unstable bitches who are always on their periods. Psychologist will tell you that our experiences at times are able to teach us certain patterns about our perception and how we have come up to a logical reason with a logical error, which than one can monitor in order to see the reality and not the delusional perception we have come to believe in order to justify our behavior, whatever that behavior is, anger, depression, insecurities and so on. But, that is too much work for most of us, and it is too difficult to put in all that work just to tell yourself that your whole fallacy is wrong. Logically no person wants to admit that they are wrong, unless you were one of those monks living in Tibet, but I'm talking about people living here and now with big egos and actually everything big. So to admit that you have been choosing the wrong man, or that you don’t even know what kind of man you like is pretty difficult for most of us, so in order to protect ourselves from the previous painful relationship, we simply choose not to commit completely and are always on the edge and ready to get the hell out of that relationship, or we treat the man or a women we are in relationship with the way we want them to act in order to tell ourselves that we were right and justify our own delusional perception. First important fact to keep in mind is that you never, and I mean never really meet the person you thought you were meeting. I was naive at one point in my life and didn’t realize that men mutate and that there are stages as you meet them, there are layers that you are unable to see right away and sometimes if they are really good it can take years for you to figure out who the man with many faces really is. First you meet someone that has you down; they are becoming quite analytical with their strategy, down to science. Meet the salesman; he knows exactly what to say in order to sweep you off of your feet. He will lie, but you will not notice. You see they know and they choose wisely their prey, the more vulnerable girl is, the better, because they know that a vulnerable girl will eat their sales pitch like no other one would. He will promise you the moon and the stars and other clever shit, he can't pull off, and you will be blown away by the poetry of his words until you make the mistake of believing him. He is quite convincing with his repertoire and you will believe that you are everything this little horny monkey tells you, until he traps you and your delusional helpless self. After some time you will meet the next persona of your beloved man, who will slowly start to test your limits with his bull shit, which you will confuse with cute bull shit and not see the transparency, because he has made himself so believable that it will not ever be an option for you to think that there is an evil plan behind it. The next thing you know you are washing his clothes and skid marks, because he is not a man and can't even take the time to wipe himself, cooking him dinner, ironing, and then one day he has moved in. He is mooching off of you, taking everything from you, emotionally, physically and financially, and giving nothing. If you are vulnerable your best bet is to lock yourself in the house, avoid man at all costs, until you get back to your own self, but even than you need to be cautious. These guys have become quite evolved with their abilities to lure you in and drain you in every possible way. I know some smart, stable and amazing women that don't take bull shit, who have become victims of the man with many faces. With so much time focusing on their careers these successful women forgot to date and one day they wake up feeling lonely, decide to get themselves back on the market and bahm, the next thing they know, he is living in their house, not contributing, later reminding them just how fucked up and desperate they are. But, now they are in love and have difficulties accepting the truth, so they rationalize the relationship or attempt to change this creature, which of course never works. Now, it has been five years and he is ready to move on to better things and you are left alone once again but this time you are in your late 30's or early 40's and feel the pressure of your “clock” ticking, imposed on you by the social norms. Or maybe he does not leave and you get stuck with the loser, have a kid, maybe you realize who he really is or maybe out of habit you stay with him and amount to nothing, but to save yourself, you continue with the same pattern of rationalization, in order to save your sanity and you become obsessed with your kid. OK, so these are some extremes but unfortunately they happen more than you think. After knowing so much about how these man are, I think to some extend we give up and to protect ourselves we never truly commit in any relationship because you have no more energy to deal with another emotional breakdown and eating yourself to a third ass you are developing. The problem is that if we do get desensitized to relationship as we did, how does that function? Especially since we do crave intimacy and need to be loved, and if we have experienced many traumatic relationships do we possess the ability to be in a normal functioning relationship or is it that we are in anticipation mode and only anticipate the worst, and when there is a genuine man can we distinguish him? Are we even capable of distinguishing who is genuine and who is not? I mean if he is nice, our automatic thought jumps to conclusion that he is just doing that to lure you in and then like the rest of them leave you after he gets what he wants? Does a genuine man even have a chance, or have the others ruined it for him as well? Relationships are becoming more and more complicated with so many expectations and lists we have made of what the man has to have and be, are our expectations become unattainable like everything else we have envisioned about our world and ourselves, and now our relationships? Are we seeking a phantom of our delusions that is unattainable and then settle for anyone, to fill the void, while we change ourselves to that new boyfriend liking, until we can't anymore and things fall apart. Maybe our biggest obstacle is that we are not who we are, and they are not who they are. Maybe if we all relax and stopped pretending, we could be happier, less constipated and more comfortable. I can’t help but think about how girls always want to be liked by some man they just met. Will he like me for me, or do I need to be metamorphosed. Doesn’t laugh, but it happen we actually do become what we and our expert’s friends feel that he likes. We do this all of the time, and falsely advertise who we are. We put bras that make us look like we have boobs and even pants with the butt implants and then when the man sees the real you, I’m sure he is not sure what to think, but I’m sure he is disappointed. There are so many lies and false advertisement, that it has truly become difficult to meet someone real, and you just keep on meeting bull shit after bull shit, and you become tired and put a wall, and choose your isolation, while you crave intimacy, and out of desperation maybe you settle, and get divorced after few short years. Than you are in your 40’s finding yourself in the bar with the kids that were born in 1990’s and it’s altogether desperate.